She Who Waits

Okay so as you might have noticed, my blog is BARE.  No header, no fun smilies, nada.

There were some compatibility issues that created a need to upgrade my long-defunct blog software version, which means that all my customizations are gone.  I've actually begged my webhost (and good friend) to see if he can help me port everything over to an entirely new software, so I won't be updating much in the mean time.  If we can't get it ported over I'll find a new skin and such but please bare with me until we decide on one course or the other!

At about 8:30pm last night, I went into the garage to look for my spare router to give to a friend. While I was in there, I realized I could hardly walk through all of the still-unpacked boxes and decided to put the utility shelving up. Two hours later, I dragged 10+ broken down boxes to the street for the garbage men and then I pulled the car into the garage along with the husband's Jeep for the first time since we moved in.

I have been trying to decide if me doing this was a product of deployment anxiety and nervous energy or just me being me and I'm split about 50/50. I've been very on edge the past few days and I'm not quite sure why. I'm at this weird place in the deployment where I'm anxious to create some order but at the same time, feel so alien in this house that I don't even know where to start. I bought some decor this week but haven't had the motivation to actually put it up yet.

I did decide to work on me for the rest of the deployment, though. I bought a gym membership last week and have my first personal training session today. (I'm not sure how great of an idea it was to spend two hours moving/unloading boxes the night before this session ...) I am determined to be in a bikini by July, something I haven't been comfortable in since 2005. The gym is literally 5 minutes from the house and is open 24/7 so next time I get a wild hair at 8:30, I can go take out my energy on a workout since the garage has been checked off my list.

Hopefully I'll find the motivation to work on the rest of the house soon. But hey, at least the car is in the garage, right? :giggle:

I did it! I found my big girl panties! :butt:

Hawaii photos coming this week.

R&R in Hawaii was absolutely amazing. When I recover from the jet lag and little to no sleep for about 28 hours, I'll post a proper update, photos, etc. For now, this is just venting. Feel free to ignore. :anxious

I wouldn't trade the time we had but holy hell is this coming home without him hard (though I'm glad he didn't come here and have to leave from home). It feels like R&R was just one big tease. I walked into the house yesterday and it seriously felt like someone else's house. I even slept on the couch and I haven't done that in ... well, I think I've done it once the whole deployment. I feel so out of sorts right now it's unreal. I have this urge to tear the house apart and do a deep clean but am so tired, I just don't have the energy. I don't know what else to do to fix this overwhelming kicked-in-the-stomach feeling, though. I need to put my big girl panties on and get back into the deployment mindset but I'll be damned if I can find them. Maybe they're packed in my suitcase still sitting in the foyer.

I had a massage today. We're in single digit days from R&R so I used the gift certificate that my wonderful husband got me for Christmas for a massage and a pedicure. :adore

The massage was an interesting experience. I opted for an upper body only and she kind of raised her eyebrows at that, but I think she understood when she got her hands on my neck and shoulders. Clearly that's where I carry any stress. All was going well, though she was working some pretty tender spots, and I was mostly enjoying the massage. Then she started to work my hand. As if she'd flipped a switch, I immediately started crying, completely out of the blue. I hadn't been thinking about anything, hadn't been emotional, it was very weird.

You have to imagine this to grasp the full scope. I'm lying face down, nearly naked under naught but a sheet, with my head in this pillow with a hole in it so I can breathe. The catch is that I'm getting over a cold so after a few minutes of all the fluid in my sinuses rushing to the front of my head, I can only breathe through my mouth, which I don't like to do. I'm already trying not to let out a disgusting sniffle and then I start to cry on top of that. Seriously? I was actually glad she was almost done so I didn't have to excuse myself.

She was just rubbing my hand, why the heck would I cry? All I can figure is that it's the first time anyone has really truly touched me in so many months and my body just reacted. Maybe I'm just crazy like we all suspected in the first place. It was definitely the oddest massage I've ever had, despite that she did excellent work.

I guess I'll try to fill my touch quota for a few more months over the upcoming two weeks with my husband.

Dear Gremlins,

I realize that for the most part you've left me alone and I'm grateful for that. I do ask that you allow the nail in my rear tire to A) hold until tomorrow for my 90 mins of driving I need to do tonight and B ) leave the tire able to be patched instead of replaced.

Thanks,
Stephanie

PS
Putting air in my tires at a deserted gas station at 10pm when it's 35 degrees isn't particularly fun. It's tough to look over your shoulder constantly and put the correct amount of air in.

I was doing some reading (not a good idea) and stumbled upon information for the unit my husband was supposed to go to. They're currently in Afghanistan. I'm sitting here in tears, but they're very strange to me because they're motivated by two very conflicting emotions.

As a spouse, a woman who wants to spend her life with her husband, I'm actually thankful he's not there. They're in what seems, to me, a more dangerous area than he's in now, with more austere conditions. I'm thankful that while he isn't exactly in a safe place behind a desk, it seems less dangerous than where he would have been had he stayed with this unit. I have contact from him regularly, even if it is just a one line email to tell me he's going to bed at some insane hour after a 22 hour day.

The other part of me hurts for him because they're where he wants to be, where he feels he can make the most difference, where he would have been had he not been given this particular assignment. He is an infantry Marine, through and through, and he's been itching to go back to Afghanistan since his tour in 2004. He is very intrigued by the history, the culture, on top of his normal Marine tendencies. I know he isn't thrilled to be where he is right now and seeing the young men who might have been beside him had things turned out the way he wanted makes my heart hurt.

It's a bit of a double edged sword ... or multi-faceted tears, I guess.

Don't mind me, I'm rather :censored: lately.

I hate the "It'll be here before you know it" or "time will fly" stuff people say. I realize they're well intentioned, trying to be positive and supportive. I get that, I appreciate that, but really?

No, time won't fly, any more than the past few months have crawled by. No, it won't be here before I know it, I'm counting every single day until it gets here and trying desperately not to think of the 7 months still yet to go after R&R. I'm so glad our deployment is flying for you but it's not exactly flying for either of us. Don't try to tell me that the next two months will fly because it's the holidays. The holidays flat out suck when you spend them apart and if I had my way, I'd sleep through them. They're not going to fly by, however much I wish they would.

I appreciate the effort. I appreciate the support. But, I beg of you, next time, please just give me a hug. Or even a cyber hug. Or some liquor. Or even better, chocolate. Chocolate is always good.

P.S.
No, I'm not decorating for Christmas. Yes, I love Christmas but I have no desire this year. Please don't try to make me feel guilty about that.

I'm trying to pack a Christmas decor box for my husband and am coming up short on ideas for stocking stuffers. Normally I'd put in a couple of books, some games, things like that. He's exceptionally busy this deployment and hardly has time to talk, let alone use entertainment.

I thought some of you might have some ideas. I'm already including some favorite snacks and sweets, but it's not quite full enough!