I just got off the phone with Charlie about half an hour ago, and I can't stop the tears.

I got to talk to him for about 40 minutes and it was much needed. This is really only the second time we've gotten to talk since he deployed. I knew yesterday that something was wrong. I just had this horrible, sinking feeling that I couldn't explain. I hadn't heard from him via email since Thursday morning and I usually get email at least once a day ... I was up until about 7:30 this morning because I couldn't quit thinking about it.

It turns out that he had a friend who was killed. I feel absolutely awful but all I could think when he told me that was 'thank God it wasn't him.' I feel so selfish. The Marine killed has a fiancee and a family who are no doubt heartbroken, and all I could think was that I was glad it wasn't Charlie. How horrible is that?

I know that's probably a normal reaction, as is my guilt now ... but my emotional side is really taking over my logic at the moment.

I didn't really know what to say to Charlie either ... what can you possibly say to that besides that you're sorry, you love him, and you're there for him? I feel so helpless. I wish I could just go be next to him, even for a few minutes. All I can do now is pray for the Marine's family and fiancee, as well as for Charlie and his continued safety.