She Who Waits

"They also serve who only stand and wait." - John Milton

Guilt

My husband told me a few days ago that reading my blog posts about the impending move made him feel guilty. 8| I was completely taken aback.

I tried to explain to him that I didn't blame him, that none of my stress was his fault and he had no reason to feel guilty, but I'm not quite sure he bought it.

Now I'm wondering how to deal with stuff like this. I don't want him to feel guilty for being in the military, that's just silly. I knew what I was getting into and HE is who I chose. At the same time, I need to vent. I need to be able to lean on him when it's stressful, when things don't go as planned, without worrying whether he's second guessing his career choice. I need my partner to help me get through all that life throws at us, even when it does come from the Corps.

When we first started getting serious, he mentioned that he was somewhat afraid of marriage because of the potential career restrictions which came with it. I asked what he meant and he spoke of pressure to choose a non-combat MOS or non-deployable unit, pressure to stay in one spot, etc. Those 'restrictions' made no sense to me then and still don't. Why would I want him to be miserable at a desk job just so I would worry less? That would carry over into his daily life and he'd be miserable in general, not only at work but likely at home too. I rather like my husband as he is - laid back and easy going, generally a happy person. I don't want him to resent me and I don't want to live with a perpetual grouch, so why would I make demands like that?

I suppose I'll just have to keep reminding him that I'm not protesting and I'm not going to blame him when things don't go as planned. I just need an avenue to vent and explore my emotions in order to get through the days, that's all.

Posted Under Deployment, Military on 02.24.2008

10 comments

Comment from: Slightly Salty [Visitor] Email · http://slightlysalty.wordpress.com
Ok, here's my two cents. No one should feel guilty about either expressing themselves or for being in the career they've chosen. Just because you signed up to be with him and adopted the military lifestyle doesn't mean you can't complain or vent from time to time when things get tough or challenge you. It's healthy to express whatever emotions you both are experiencing and it's healthy to let each other know how you feel. Communication is key in any relationship. In any case, neither you or Charlie should feel bad about anything. Just because you signed up for this doesn't mean you have to keep a smile plastered on your face and keep silent when something happens that you don't like. Groan about it, find a happy medium and move on.

There have been times over the years in my own relationship with my husband where something happens in his Navy career whether it's a move or a deployment or whatever that I absolutely don't like. And he knows by now that I will probably vent about it and then find a positive in the situation and move on.

If the military lifestyle teaches us nothing else, it teaches us flexibility and the ability to try and make lemons out of lemonade.

So no more guilt for either of you. ;)
02/24/08 @ 13:45
Comment from: rsbunny [Member] Email
I don't think it matters what job your husband does...there are always the down sides and it's a wife's entitlement to vent about it and not have their husband feel guilty for it!
Of course, being military the down sides are bigger than what a normal relationship endures but like you said, you knew what you were getting in to and you love your military husband so he chouldn't feel guilty when the lifestyle gets you down. On the flip side, you should be able to vent without worrying about him feeling guilty.
No more guilt!
02/24/08 @ 14:18
Comment from: Tootie [Visitor] · http://tootiewritings.blogspot.com
I think you have a great oulook on everything. You seem like you are so supportive of your husband's career, and I'm sure he appreciates it! And don't worry about venting - I'm a military spouse, too, and we can all relate to you!
02/24/08 @ 15:18
Comment from: chelly [Member] Email · http://www.gypsy-clan.com/mylife
It is the spouses right to vent about an up coming move. It clears the air so when the spouse gets to this new destination, there is no longer a negative look, since it has all been vented from the system. The spouse then gets to look at the new place through clear eyes and work on to enjoy the new area. This is the entitlement of the spouse.
Now, taking a desk job just to keep a spouse happy is not always right and can cause problems. With that said, just keep telling him how much you support him.
A running joke with hubby and I goes along the line of I don't care that he deploys, just as long he brings home the hazardous duty pay LOL. Now, a joke like that would make one think I would love for him to leave, but that isn't the case. I hate him leaving, and now that we are back in an active unite, he will be deploying. Not fun, especially for the kids, but it is the military way of life. And I honestly think you are doing wonderful! It has been over three years since my husband has deployed, I have no clue how I will handle it when his time comes back around.
02/24/08 @ 15:56
Comment from: lea [Visitor] Email · http://tryingourbest.blogspot.com
i think i said this in one of my other comments but ill be the first to admit im losing my mind these days so who knows... but.. the general policy around here is that I will follow my dear whereever ans since he is usually going there on his own, I'll just support him and hold down the fort here. HOWEVER I need a day or two to let it sink in and if that means being a might bit testy for a bit well then so be it. I'm like you, I've accepted the Marine Corps for all the good, bad, and ugly it brings to our family. All in all its provided a pretty good life for us, but thats doesnt mean that the ups and down dont bum me (and the kids) out. You just find your coping mechanizm and go with it.

:usa:
02/24/08 @ 20:23
Comment from: Ann M. [Visitor] Email · http://underthesealove.blogspot.com
I have the same issue with my husband. He always tells me that he wants me to be honest about how I feel about things but he feels personally responsible when the Navy throws things at us that I have issues with. I have to explain that it's usually just how I deal with the initial shock of the unexpected--I get sad, angry, and frustrated sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to roll with it eventually. I guess the best thing to do is keep handling thing the way you are--telling him you are supportive of his career, that you are both in this together, and that no matter what happens, the two of you will get through it together.
02/25/08 @ 10:43
Comment from: Someone [Visitor] Email
Just a thought,
Maybe start a private blog to do the real venting, or perhaps a journal?
I can see why he feels guilty. You do vent alot publicly...

Again, just my thoughts.
02/25/08 @ 13:52
Comment from: Stephanie [Member] Email
Someone,

We actually discussed this prior to him leaving and decided that we didn't want there to be hidden stuff.

http://shewhowaits.com/index.php/2007/07/22/torn

I do have a 'private' option on this blog where the more personal stuff gets posted, and an option where only a select few can read it, which I do utilize.

Thanks for the suggestion, though. :)
02/25/08 @ 15:14
Comment from: Steve [Visitor] Email
I don't think you should feel guilty, nor should your husband. But I would suggest that you make a rule to add one good thing about your day in every post. It's an absolutely GOOD thing that you miss your husband so much and that you are doing things to fill your days, rather than filling your days with someone else.

All good relationships are based on honesty and communication.

I would also recommend maybe volunteering or joining a club or group that meets regularly. A hobby or something.

Your husband is one lucky man!
02/25/08 @ 16:35
Comment from: gvalante [Visitor] Email
Keep VENTING.... We as the public need to know what our military spouses go through so WE as a country can step up and say A BIG thank you to you. Thanks for sharing..

And THANK you for your giving and of your husbands so my family will be safe
02/27/08 @ 13:53

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