She Who Waits

You do NOT suck.

Does he expect you to wait? I'm sorry, Steph, I can't even begin to imagine how hard this is.

You are in our prayers. Both of you.

Thanks C.

No, I don't think he would ever expect it or ask it of me, but I still feel obligated.

I remember a mil-girlfriend emailing me during Soldier's deployment. She wanted advice on how to deal with her boyfriend's 7 month deployment.

7 months!

And she was emailing me while I was trying to survive a 15 month deployment?!? I thought, like you, "sheesh. her bf will go and be back long before Soldier will..."

So... yeah. I get it. Its perfectly normal for you to feel like this.

That's why you blog though, right? To vent and find support?

Here's hoping that communication gets better sooner than later.

:hug

I'm so sorry honey. I wish I had some incredibly brilliant and uplifting thing to say but I don't. I do agree with Christi that you do not suck!!

Tonya honestly, I've done a 7 month deployment. I've done a 4 month deployment. Both sucked and the latter was drastically more dangerous than the former. I know that gone is gone, it sucks no matter how long it is, so I'm rather pissed at myself that I'm so bitchy about this.

Tara, thanks hon.

Stephanie,

You should give yourself a break. No more self criticism. No more self judgments. You are an amazing woman. I’m sure your husband agrees!

Your feelings are completely normal and do not make you a bad person. Just by sharing your feelings on this blog you are helping women cope in ways you will never know. Feel good about that. Focus on the positives in your life. PMS doesn’t last forever and you can get through it. Don’t listen to those negative thoughts this week and just let them pass right on by.

Changing your expectations might help also. I’m on my second deployment with my sailor. They have reliable e-mail access for the most part. I know internet and phone access are also available but we CHOOSE not to use them most of the time. That way I am not glued to my phone. I don’t have to worry if the battery dies or I’m out of range somewhere. Our goal is to send each other an e-mail once a day. That is something we can control. Even if it is just to say I’m busy and can’t write today. But if a day or two passes and we aren’t able to write, that is okay too. Neither of us judges the other and we realize that we each have lives to live as this deployment progresses. We’ll catch up with an extra long post as soon as we have time and usually have fun stories to share about whatever was keeping us busy. As long as we keep trying and continue to connect we feel good about our relationship.

The address snafu sounds crazy. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. Hopefully your packages will find their way soon! I carry cards in my purse and whenever I have to wait in line somewhere will fill one out and send it. But we talked before he left that there is no expectation for either of us to send mail. We LOVE getting it of course but every time a card comes it is a bonus. Something unexpected to cherish free from any guilt or burden about not writing often enough.

It is great that your husband has internet access but it sounds like trying to coordinate an online chat has become more detrimental than helpful. He wants you to be happy! If he had a choice between you being chained to your computer for 10 months or going out to meet friends and actually laughing on occasion, which would he choose for you? Could you try a daily e-mail or something scaled back like that for a week and see if it works for you? If he happens to be online when you are on the computer, great! That is a bonus! But would it feel freeing to not place that expectation on yourself? Would it give him peace of mind to know that you are okay for a day or two on your own while he studies so he can get it over with and have more time for you on day 3 to actually coordinate a chat session?

Quantity is not always quality. You have to take care of yourself first and foremost. A relationship can only be as healthy as the individuals in it. If you aren’t out living your life while he is gone, what is there even going to be to chat about?

Be kind to yourself. Do whatever you have to do to get through it. Let him know how you feel and negotiate a plan of communication that keeps you lovingly connected and healthy and able to cope. You can do this! Your blog is a testament to that. It helped me through the first deployment and now this one too!

There are always inequalities in the military.

Like my getting mad at a girl calling korea a deployment while she visited her husband 3 times a year, had an american # to reach him on, and then eventually moved there. While living there they went to china for thanksgiving. Yeah. Deployment.

Whether or not it's right or pretty is irrelevant. What IS important is that you're not the only person who has felt this way. That alone should make you feel less abnormal and less guilty. The "ugly" sides of our lives are so different from the every day civilian, and when I started blogging discoving the common thoughts with others made me feel worlds better.

It is hard to be happy for other people when you are unhappy. I can relate to that in one way or another in a big way. Just find someone to talk to. Someone who wouldn't judge you. I am having issues with that general problem right now, but just in a different way.

You will feel better soon. Sulk however necessary until you do feel better.

I agree with the above. You do NOT suck, and your complaints are completely COMPLETELY valid. Don't be so hard on yourself, and I know that it is EXTREMELY frustrating to wait in hopes of some communication with your hubby and then either have it not pan out or have it feel like a let down. I know it isn't THEIR fault that they are busy, and we don't want them worrying about appeasing us while they're deployed doing their job, but it does totally stink to feel like you're basically putting a big PAUSE on your life (even though they don't ask for it). You don't suck, and I hope you feel a little better after venting. :gaah:

Hey,

Just wanted to say .. I'm in the same boat - we're 2 months down.. in a 12 month deployment.. and not sure what it was about THIS week.. but also being very emotional and crying every 5 seconds at NOTHING..

A friend of mine (civilian) has her husband scheduled to leave on a buisness trip - for ... get this... 24 hrs!! yup, one day!!
she's in pieces over it, not sure how she is going to deal.

and I'm like, REALLY??? REALLY??? oh, just SHUT UP!

so I feel your pain and I'm with you on the moody-ness. but it will get better.. and it will be done quicker than you think.

:blowkiss: keep blogging.. you are helping me with the thought that I'm not alone in this..

just remember -- :ribbon: we do what we do, because we fell in love the man - NOT the job.

Wondering if you've tried the MagicJack? I've had some friends who've used it and it works great for them. If he has a good internet connection, then send him a Magic Jack and a phone and presto burger! Phone connectivity! I was going to do this with my husband, but he doesn't have a good connection, so I just wait for him to call; there's no real internet access.
Feel better. I know it sucks.

That is so frustrating and I'm sorry you're dealing with layers of crap that make deployment even more 'interesting.'

I hope the boxes find their way to where they are supposed to and that someone can take their job seriously enough to keep families updated.

And, I understand that whole waiting around part. I can't say how often I've sat at a computer long after I should have been in bed--just in case.

I'm a little late on this one, but I'm sorry you're going through this. Trust me, I've been there in the "jealous" category, when my girlfriends are bitching about their three month deployments, when they know mine is gone for 12 or 15. I often want to smack them upside the head and say DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO?

As far as the internet/waiting thing goes, I so did that the first time around, and it was so frustrating to sit there on the computer, WAITING, and feeling like life was passing by. This time around, I invested in a blackberry. And I'm telling you, it changed things. If he sends an email, I get it right away. I downloaded our chat application, and could talk to him if he hopped on while I was at like, the grocery store. Blackberry's and Iphones (or any other phone that has those capabilities) can be expensive, but I promise you, SO WORTH IT.

And girl ... give yourself some credit. Deployments suck. For him, and for us, too. So breath. You will get through it! GOOD LUCK!