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Of Coffee and Hands
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"They also serve who only stand and wait." - John Milton


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Of Coffee and Hands


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So, we've wrapped up our third deployment as a couple. :adore Life is good, the honeymoon stage is fabulous, and it's really nice to have him here in our home.

Except when I pour his coffee. :-/ Or when his hands touch my bare skin. Or when he leaves for 2-3 hours a day to go to the gym while on leave.

S'pose I should explain, huh?

These are changes I've observed so far. He handles deployment things pretty well and I've yet to notice any personality changes short of a smaller fuse and less patience with traffic, but those usually return to normal after a few weeks, so I'm not worried. I find it's the little things that are troubling me.

I used to know exactly how he wanted his coffee. I could make it perfectly, just how he wanted it, without asking. Over R&R, he informed me that he now takes it black. 8| I'm sorry, what did you say? Think about it seriously for a minute, have you ever completely changed how you take your coffee/tea? I haven't. It still throws me for a loop in the mornings, and I find I'm even resentful of it, like that makes any sense.

Then there are his hands. I missed those hands SO very much. I missed his touch, even if it was just holding my hand or putting a hand on my knee. I fantasized about it, dreamed about it, I could even remember exactly how it felt if I tried hard enough. He came home with different hands which don't feel the same when he touches me. They're callused now, much rougher than they were. He's infantry so they weren't exactly soft to begin with, but they're different. All those months of trying so hard to remember how they felt now seem ... off. I don't mind the roughness, even the calluses, but the fact that they're not the hands I remember just bugs me right now. They're still his hands obviously, and any touch is welcomed, but it's just ... odd.

His hands are callused because he's picked up Crossfit again. Consequently, he now drives to the nearest base nearly every day to work out, sometimes at inopportune traffic time frames, meaning he's usually gone 2-3 hours. There's this selfish little girl in me who gets pissy about him being gone so long every day while he's on leave - I can't seem to shut her up. I mean, seriously? It's a whole two hours, he was gone for a year, get the hell over it. Yet, I still find myself biting my tongue and usually asking for one more hug/kiss before he goes and trying to get over the weird feelings. I should take those hours and be productive, but I find myself reverting to my deployment "eh, whatever" state and not doing much. I just had this vision of doing almost everything together when he returned, even going to the gym I joined, but it's not working out that way. Silly me, I know better than to have homecoming expectations.

I think part of it is that these aren't things I really expected to deal with. I have a vision of my husband who lives in my head during deployment. I know his smile, his hair, his face (as an aside, both the hair and face changed during deployment, though they're back to normal now), his laugh, his eyes and the way they look at me, the way he feels under my hands, the way his hand feels on my cheek, the way he wants his coffee in the mornings ... I could go on and on. I've had to adjust that version of my husband after a year apart and I'm still not quite used to it yet.

I'm not really complaining, I'm beyond thrilled to have him home, these things are just interesting that they even bother me. Have any of you dealt with similar 'little things' before?


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