When the C Word comes up, everyone wants to be supportive. There are hugs, notes, even generous gifts (and I adore my new Keurig, trust me!) and offers to call if I ever need anything, anything at all. I'm beyond grateful for this awesome support network, but I can't help still feeling alone most days. No one else can go through this with me and the person who is supposed to be by my side and in it is on the other side of the world.

My husband and I just had a conversation and it didn't really go as I'd hoped. He said he thought he was being emotionally supportive. I'd said I needed something entirely different from him and explained it as best I could ... "I'm confused," was the response.

Yeah, I'm sure he is. Crazytown, remember? Yes, he's been beyond supportive and I have to give him credit where credit is due. He's listened to every crazy thought in my head, even the ones that hurt, and held me as I've cried, sometimes for no reason at all. He's been accommodating and patient, staying by my side the whole time in the hospital and doing whatever I asked after we came home (well, except that honey-do list ... but, I digress). He's my strong, silent support and having him here was invaluable beyond words. I needed his strength and his love, especially once the waiting and accompanying numbness stopped and the real journey began.

And then he left. Again. I'm finding that I am beyond jealous that he gets to leave this mess and go back to work, to a busy life and routine. He gets to not deal with it up front and personally, he just has to wield off crazy late night emails from his wife and try to read between the lines in them. Because I'm sure that's easier, being gone. Not able to be here when your best friend needs you. Right? Real easy, yep. Must be.

The problem lies in the fact that he is, through and through, a man. A military one at that. He's really good at compartmentalizing things and just moving on to something else if he can't fix whatever is wrong. It's how he's always been and it's served him exceptionally well through his seven deployments and career. It's driving me absolutely batshit crazy right now.

When he left, the goodbye was short. It was a hug and a few kisses in the rental car parking lot, a 'call me when you get to the terminal' after the four hour drive, and then a three minute, composed and calm call from the plane. I hung up and burst into tears. Angry tears. It felt like he was leaving for a weekend trip or a normal deployment. I was hurt that he waited until he was on the plane to call me rather than call during the hours in the terminal or before/after visiting with his sister at the terminal (It felt like she was more important than me at that moment in time). I needed to hear him say he was sorry he had to leave, that it was hard to leave during all of this, that it sucked for him too. I needed him to hurt with me and instead all I got was my strong, silent type husband. Apparently my screwed up hormones expected him to be um, emotional? Because it's fair to expect him to be something totally different than his norm, right? Yet, I was angry and hurt that it seemed like business as usual for him to be leaving. I still am, truth be told.

The logical side of me is just shaking her head but she's locked in a little compartment right now, unable to take the forefront role. If I let her out for a few minutes she'll probably tell me that at the core of that anger is loneliness. We don't have kids. My routine is on hold right now because I don't know that I'm able to handle clients for work with everything else that's going on. I can't compartmentalize this and ignore it, I'm in it, every day. I'm the only one in it though, and I'd venture to guess that I'm kind of upset about that. I needed to hear from my best friend that I wasn't the only one hurting that he was leaving and I need him to tell me how he's feeling through all of this. I need him to open up some of those damn compartments to me, since he isn't here to sit on the couch and hold my hand and be all strong and silent-like. We're stuck with email and staticky phone calls until he gets home, which can't possibly be the same. That logical witch will probably also ask me if it's fair to expect him to let go of his coping mechanism, he's likely dealing with a whole bunch of stuff and needs to be able to lock emotional things away and do his job, right? Can't I be unselfish and just deal, keep a positive attitude? Semper Gumby, and all that? For once, I'm not sure I can, and that's driving me nuts too.

I don't know what the answer here is, really. I am sure he is confused, I sure as hell am.